You've been there when i was down, and when im happy. I wrote everything to you just to spill my feelings for you and everyone to read. I miss you, and im sorry for abandoned you. Now i know how does it feels to be left out by someone you actually love. Wow, dramatic much Lea? I know.. Moving on.
So today i was on twitter(like everyday actually not just today), and i saw one of my twitter friend tweeted about his friend getting catfish by someone. I quickly mention him, because i do like that kind of situation. Bukannya aku suka untuk malukan orang yang catfish tu sebenarnya. Cuma aku minat berfikir apa sebenarnya fikiran orang yang catfish orang ni.
Maksud catfish ni adalah, ikan keli. In other words, people who using other people's photos but claim that is them. You get what i mean? Maksudnya, orang menyamar dan menggunkan gambar orang untuk menarik perhatian orang lain? Lebih kurang macam tu.
So yea, basically when people hear "catfish", people always blame them for using other people's picture. I mean, yes it is wrong. Even the law said that, Its wrong. But have you ever wondered.. Why? Why would they do that?
Back in facebook last two years, i got an invite to this one page. Page yang penuh dengan anak remaja memerlukan kawan untuk bersembang, dan penuh dengan remaja who actually have mental illness by example cutting their self and thinking about suicide thought. So, the attention of the page is, we greets and if they interested to talk to us, we add them and we just talk our problems with each other. Its a really beautiful page i must say.
Im that teenager who's actually cutting myself, thinking about suicide all the time. And i guess it is kinda helpful for me to be in that page. I've met a lot of beautiful people, very loving, and very very care about each one of us. And the best part is, everyone in that page was people who actually did the same thing. It was epic, i swear.
So i was in that page for quite a long time. On this one fine day, this very good looking guy from Canada add me on facebook., and i accept him. We started to talk on IM, and liking each other photos and status, you know like everyone does on facebook. But this guy, he's something. He's different. When every time i talked to him, i feel like we click, and i get the feelings that "i dont want to stop talking with this guy", and i like that feelings.
We moved on too texting. Thank god whatsapp and viber exist back then, so that we can talk to each other every single day. I feel really blessed to met this guy on that page. We did exchange a lot of photos, we called each other on viber, basically we do alot of stuff together. When every time i told him i feel a bit down, he will call me as soon as possible no matter what time is it in Canada. He will literally listen to me crying all day just to make me feel that im actually worth in this world.
He's the only person that will tell me that im beautiful every single day. He will text me the good night and good morning text. He will just randomly call me just to say "you better be safe, i dont want to lose my favorite person from this world". He will like tease me and being mean just to make merajuk, and pujuk me by sending me a lot of voice notes on whatsapp. He will misscall me like 50 times on viber, and when i pick up he'll hang up, just to make me annoyed. And when im mad he'll text me "You know i love you". And i never get bored with that kind of things.
One time, i feel like to see him live, so that i can feel all of the things we've been through was real, but at the same time i feel scared too ask him because i might fuck our relationship up. Dan ini adalah antara keadaan yang aku stuck gila. Sebab aku rasa mamat ni macam good looking gila, tak kan lah dia boleh stuck dengan aku for like a year, thats just crazy. Jadi, aku ambik keputusan untuk tanya boleh tak sekali tu kita webcam atau apa-apa. I texted him, and i saw he read my text, but he didnt reply. Aku jadi bingung. Aku hampa sebab dekat situ aku tahu yang sebenarnya dia bukan pakai sebenar dia. I cried, for a week. Because he doesnt text me, he didnt pick my call, he never reply my message on facebook, and he just leave me hanging. I was quite devastated. Because i thought everything we done was real. At some point, all i want is just answers. I dont care anymore about how he looks. I dont care if his good looking or not. All i care is my friendship with him. But seems like he doesnt reply me, i think i should just move on with my life.
After two weeks, i got a call from him on midnight. I was actually crying that time, and when i saw his name on my phone, i almost died. Is this real? Is this real life??? I tried to calm myself, and picked up the phone;
"hello?" dengan nada tahan menangis.
"i hope you still remember me" jawab dia.
I told him that i miss him, and i dont want to lose him anymore. I want him to be in my life forever. No matter how does he looks like. Because i love him, for him. Not because of his looks.
"even if i dont look like a person in the photos i sent you all these time?" he asked.
"yes, please dont go. youre the only friend i had" i replied with full of tears.
"okay, go on skype now. im waiting" he said.
At that moment, i was really shocked. He actually trust me and he willing to do that because of me. I feel a bit nervous. I feel sick on my stomach. Im totally shaking.
We on skype, and he called me with webcam on.
When te first time i saw him, the first thing i think was; "why would he hide himself all these long. He's perfect".
I smiled and cried at the same time.
"Im sorry that im actually asian. And i dont have legs like everyone else"
"Im not perfect either. Im fat, and im.."
"But.. Youre perfect to me"
And we talked for hours and we even stared at each other just because we're happy for knowing the real us.
And the relationship go on. Not just normal relationship, we had that relationship when even we're long distance, but we still fall for each other everyday. I love him, no matter what he does.
We talked for 2 years now. We promise each other not to cut our self anymore. We promise that we wont hurt each other by cutting our self.
But im bad person. I lied. I broke our promise.
Last two months, i was having really bad month. I had a lot of problems. About my mom, my family, about everything. Its just that time, i dont feel like talking about my problems with anyone. Even to him. So one day, we talked on skype, just chillin' and listen to music, and then suddenly he saw my shoulder fulls with scars. He asked me, did i harm myself. i said no, eventhough i did it. He was mad and just hang up on.
Masa tu, tuhan saja tahu macam mana takutnya aku. Aku tahu dia marah. Aku rasa macam tak sedap hati. Aku call dia, dia tak angkat. Aku mesej dia, dia tak reply. And i dont even know what to do..
After four days of silence, one of his sister texted me using his phone, and send me a picture of his suicide note. My heart was shattered into million pieces. Im shocked..
"Is this.. The end?"
I called his sister, she picked up and she was actually cried;
"I dont know what happened. He went to therapy every month. He's getting very well, and then suddenly this happened. Can you please explain to me, why?!" She screams..
I hang up.
I cant.. I cant breath.
This is the end..
This is real.
I just lost my friend.
I lost everything.
I fucked up.
What should i tell his sister.
What should i do.
Banyak soalan yang aku persoalkan.
I saw everyone is posting about him on facebook.
I saw everyone greet rest in peace to his wall.
I even saw his sister actually post of his real photos on facebook and told everyone that he was dead.
Everything.. Just.. Gone..
I called of one my friend, mengadu pasal benda ni(you know who you are), and thank god dia luangkan masa untuk aku menangis dan mengadu. Walau tak ada bahu, tapi rebah yang ada dalam dada dan bahu aku hilang juga, walau tidak semuanya.
Aku rasa bersalah dan menyesal. And to be really honest, i never felt this worthless. I keep on blaming myself. Everyday i woke up, i cried. I can hear in a back of my head saying "This is all your fault!". I keep on crying. I just lay down on my bed everyday. Keeping myself in the room, and not going out anywhere.
Satu hari tu mak aku masuk bilik dan tanya kenapa, aku diam tak jawab apa-apa;
"Walau apa pon problem kau, pergi solat. Mengadu dekat Dia. Dia ada jawapannya" bilang ibu pada aku.
I started to pray and asked God to forgive me everything. He guide me and i believe he's telling me that he's actually waiting for me there.
I moved on.. and im still alive now. Thank you for those who actually willing for being there for me.
Its been two months now he left.
My point in this entry was, we actually never know whats the reason why people catfish other people.
Kadang-kadang manusia ni tidak pernah bagi peluang pada orang yang sebenarnya bukan sempurna ni. Bagi aku, rupa sebenarnya tak pernah penting dalam hidup aku. Dan juga rupa tu sebenarnya bukan lah passport untuk segalanya. All i ever wanted is; give us a chance. We do have feelings too.
I just want you to change a bit of your mindset, kalau lah benda ni terjadi pada kau, what would you do? First of all, dont jump into conclusion. Second, you have to listen whats the reason he/she did that. Third, how can you simply throw your feelings to someone actually been there for you all the time? He/she might used other people picture, but the feelings.. We cannot lie about our heart. Right?
My friend, tuhan jadikan kita sebagai manusia with a reason. Jadinya kenapa harus kita pertikaikan rupa seorang manusia walhal niat di hati mereka ikhlas dengan seadanya untuk buat kita gembira? Im sorry to say, but i dont really agree with people who claim and say "so i wasted my feelings to a person who actually never real". If the person was not real, he wont be there for you all the time. Think of the good deeds that they have done for you. He may be not look like the guy/girl in the picture, but he has reason for doing that. And the reason was; "Im just scared to tell you the truth, but i will protect you".
We never know..
And also i would like to dedicate this entry to my one and only boyfriend Chris. May you rest in peace. And also my internet friend Thoriq, Carlmilia, Syaza, who's actually been there for me. Thank you. I appreciate you guys so much.
Woah.. This is quite a long entry. I think i should stop here now. Thank you guys for read this.
Much love, Lea.